The week has gone by and I am just about to start another program; basic training for Shambhala. Monday I found myself with a ‘job’ in the kitchen. For most of the week I ended up sweeping, moping, cutting up an assortment of vegetables and fruits, and getting the food line ready. It was great! I really enjoyed working in the kitchen, and will probably pick it up again next week. Last night, the rain/snow began. Today, we have collected a good few inches, and I’m not prepared. When I was packing I still had the 80-degree weather lingering on my skin. Two pairs of shorts and some ridiculous pants were all that accompanied me. Now, trudging through the snow in some sneakers, jeans, and a raincoat, I didn’t feel good about my clothes situation.
My daily routine has become second nature: make it to the dining room by 7:30 for breakfast, eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch (the one thing I’ve discovered with an acceptable amount of sugar) maybe some eggs, busy myself until 12:30, lunch, busy myself again until 6:30 eat, meditate usually, then sleep. Now lunch I’ve become very accustomed to. They have a Noble Silence for 15 minutes, no talking and very relaxing. But usually I just end up awkwardly staring at someone with my mouth full, or theirs, or both. None preferred. But I am excited to start a new program again. My days are starting to drift, as is my mind.
April 23, 2010
Birds Symphony
The snow drifts peacefully
Back to the earth
Happy to be reunited
With it’s mother once again
The bird’s thunderous applause
Reaches our ears with their songs.
They cry for joy that these two
Can embrace again
How easy it would be
To let myself fall into another’s embrace
Group together, gather myself
Then let gravity do the rest
To merely lose myself
In the white abyss of my brothers and sisters
As we all make our journey
Back home, to the safe wet earth
Just to be able to let myself melt
Soak into the wet dirt
And lose my solidity
Ah, subliminal
But, it is not so
We humans do not fall so gracefully
It’s a hard climb up
And the peak is only in our imagination
The snow crunched beneath my shoes
An excellent union
The two create a symphony
And we merely hear a crunch
But the birds can hear it
They hear their song and create their own
Inspiration fuels their small bodies
In the cold and snowy spring air
The bird's symphony will
Group our world together
Unite a discombobulated force
And gently brush our eyes close
Back to the earth
Happy to be reunited
With it’s mother once again
The bird’s thunderous applause
Reaches our ears with their songs.
They cry for joy that these two
Can embrace again
How easy it would be
To let myself fall into another’s embrace
Group together, gather myself
Then let gravity do the rest
To merely lose myself
In the white abyss of my brothers and sisters
As we all make our journey
Back home, to the safe wet earth
Just to be able to let myself melt
Soak into the wet dirt
And lose my solidity
Ah, subliminal
But, it is not so
We humans do not fall so gracefully
It’s a hard climb up
And the peak is only in our imagination
The snow crunched beneath my shoes
An excellent union
The two create a symphony
And we merely hear a crunch
But the birds can hear it
They hear their song and create their own
Inspiration fuels their small bodies
In the cold and snowy spring air
The bird's symphony will
Group our world together
Unite a discombobulated force
And gently brush our eyes close
April 20, 2010
thoughts
Ah, can you feel that
The beautiful sun upon your skin
Can you hear the rays
Making their way to earth
We run, run away
Run from our fears, our dreams
Our dreams are twisted into nightmares
And those ugly demons rear their heads
But those nightmares are real
And they’re beautiful and true
Turn around, face those demons
Their bark is worse than their bite
They don’t want to bite,
They want a kiss, a hug, a laugh
Those demons are your friends
And hell is merely a hot shower
Let the water cascade down your body
Let the water soak through
Soak into your blood
And create a flood
Flood your body, your nerves, your senses
Feel the water invade your very being
Allow those nightmares to becomes your dreams
And bask under the moonlight
The beautiful sun upon your skin
Can you hear the rays
Making their way to earth
We run, run away
Run from our fears, our dreams
Our dreams are twisted into nightmares
And those ugly demons rear their heads
But those nightmares are real
And they’re beautiful and true
Turn around, face those demons
Their bark is worse than their bite
They don’t want to bite,
They want a kiss, a hug, a laugh
Those demons are your friends
And hell is merely a hot shower
Let the water cascade down your body
Let the water soak through
Soak into your blood
And create a flood
Flood your body, your nerves, your senses
Feel the water invade your very being
Allow those nightmares to becomes your dreams
And bask under the moonlight
April 19, 2010
A nice moment
For the habits course, there was one moment during the third day that really resonated with me. We were doing a short meditation. Halfway through my body started shaking. I leaned against my arms and they started to shake as well. Soon I became light headed and nauseous. Throughout this wonderful moment I was having, Joe was talking us through this excellent technique. I soon heard this inspirational music, something about victory or completion, and it sounded like church music; the kind of music where the huge chorus is singing this very inspirational song and everyone is getting emotion and you have the old woman pounding against her heart and crying. Well, that's what I remember from the movies anyway. This was that moment. I opened my eyes and was surprised. There were a few people swaying and bouncing with the music while staying in the Buddha position with their eyes closed with huge smiles plastered on their faces. Others were swaying while looking filled with an infinite amount of joy. One man across from me on the other side of the room was crying. He was was shaking with the sobs, his eyes were closed, and his face was red. A few others were also crying tears of joy. All this emotion, this love and happiness and liberation, it was... moving. Just seeing this level of emotion brought me to tears. Soon 'Celebration' resonated throughout out the room. Half of the room got up and started dancing. Others embraced strangers around them. Couples hugged. I laughed, I laughed with joy and happiness. What else could I do? All of this love and freedom and liberation, flying through the air. It was fantastic. Sublime.
SMC
I have been in Colorado for a few days. I wasn't expecting this level of intensity. The first day I was here, before I even unpacked my bags, I was sitting in a lecture. My first program is Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, with Dr. Joe. I soon found out that I was probably the only one who was here for the hell of it. Everyone else was enamored with Dr. Joe. He was in "What the bleep do we know," which I never saw, and wrote some books and other important stuff. After talking with us, he sat the level 1 people in front of a movie for an hour and I could barely stay awake. My head hit the pillow an hour later and I was out. The next day was intense. It was a lecture, all day with an hour break for breakfast, lunch, then dinner. And he was fascinating.
He constantly said, "nerves that fire together, wire together." He talked about the brain, and the nerve endings that latch onto each other, and release each other. He talked about emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions. Thoughts create feelings that create thoughts that create feelings. If you stop the thought from entering the body, then you stop the feeling. Everything that he was saying was fascinating. Of course, I zoned out on a regular basis; a well practiced skill after being in high school for the last four years. And we did a meditation where he talked about the different brain waves. There's high beta: fight or flight instincts, can barely think. Mid beta: taking a test. Low beta: reading a book. Then alpha: relaxed, no analytical thinking (beginning of meditation). After comes theta: deep meditation, or sleeping state. Finally comes delta: deep, dreamless and restorative sleep. Most of us when we fall asleep go strait from beta to delta waves. But, if we start to calm the mind and ease into the alpha or theta waves, then you can tap into the unconscious mind. Unconscious mind means behaviors or habitual patterns, and therein lies the problem.
It's hard to explain and probably won't make much sense unless I go into a lot of detail and explanation, which I'm not going to do.
But after the session, and I had time to think without processing so much information, I felt... calm and happy. And I've been sleeping. If you know me well, then you know that I don't sleep. Either I can't fall asleep, I wake up continuously throughout the night, or I'll wake up at 4 and stay awake. But while I've been here; sleeping 10 hours, no problem. Today, not knowing what to do with my time, or really minding, I walked up to the stupa here at Shambhala, a 20 minute walk. Oh, that's another thing. Usually when I have a lot of time on my hands, and I don't know what to do with it, I panic. I feel like I need to fill in that empty space with something, whether it's a mindless drive or a brainless TV program. But now, I gladly accept the free time. There are so many people here that are happy to talk or hang out. Everyone I see, seems so happy and content. I never mind just walking up to someone and introducing myself. The program at first was a bit odd. I felt like I was at summer camp for old people. Fifty-years-old seemed young to these people. It seemed like I was the only one under forty. Oh well, I didn't mind. I really enjoyed it actually. I've always been comfortable around adults because I usually end up having the most meaningful discussions with them; and here has been no different.
Anyway, back to the stupa. I walked up, kind of practicing walking mediation but not really minding if I got distracted. I walked around the stupa and sat down cross-legged inside. My anxiety ruined the moment and I walked back down shortly after.
Now, I have found my niche. A small library with two shelves of books, upstairs in the main conference building.
All in all, I feel comfortable. I have made new friends with staff and others in the same program. Some have left and some have stayed. I have made plans to start my lucid dreaming practices early. I have a lucid dreaming program the weekend after next and I might as well start. I'll start journaling my dreams, which I've never done, reminding myself I'm awake, and waking myself at odd hours trying to do who knows what. Maybe I'll just end up screwing up my sleeping schedule. I've got nothing else to do, and it's awesome!
I have four days until my next program: a level one training program for Shambhala. I'm happy to have the four days, maybe I can find someone who will want to play chess with me.
He constantly said, "nerves that fire together, wire together." He talked about the brain, and the nerve endings that latch onto each other, and release each other. He talked about emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions. Thoughts create feelings that create thoughts that create feelings. If you stop the thought from entering the body, then you stop the feeling. Everything that he was saying was fascinating. Of course, I zoned out on a regular basis; a well practiced skill after being in high school for the last four years. And we did a meditation where he talked about the different brain waves. There's high beta: fight or flight instincts, can barely think. Mid beta: taking a test. Low beta: reading a book. Then alpha: relaxed, no analytical thinking (beginning of meditation). After comes theta: deep meditation, or sleeping state. Finally comes delta: deep, dreamless and restorative sleep. Most of us when we fall asleep go strait from beta to delta waves. But, if we start to calm the mind and ease into the alpha or theta waves, then you can tap into the unconscious mind. Unconscious mind means behaviors or habitual patterns, and therein lies the problem.
It's hard to explain and probably won't make much sense unless I go into a lot of detail and explanation, which I'm not going to do.
But after the session, and I had time to think without processing so much information, I felt... calm and happy. And I've been sleeping. If you know me well, then you know that I don't sleep. Either I can't fall asleep, I wake up continuously throughout the night, or I'll wake up at 4 and stay awake. But while I've been here; sleeping 10 hours, no problem. Today, not knowing what to do with my time, or really minding, I walked up to the stupa here at Shambhala, a 20 minute walk. Oh, that's another thing. Usually when I have a lot of time on my hands, and I don't know what to do with it, I panic. I feel like I need to fill in that empty space with something, whether it's a mindless drive or a brainless TV program. But now, I gladly accept the free time. There are so many people here that are happy to talk or hang out. Everyone I see, seems so happy and content. I never mind just walking up to someone and introducing myself. The program at first was a bit odd. I felt like I was at summer camp for old people. Fifty-years-old seemed young to these people. It seemed like I was the only one under forty. Oh well, I didn't mind. I really enjoyed it actually. I've always been comfortable around adults because I usually end up having the most meaningful discussions with them; and here has been no different.
Anyway, back to the stupa. I walked up, kind of practicing walking mediation but not really minding if I got distracted. I walked around the stupa and sat down cross-legged inside. My anxiety ruined the moment and I walked back down shortly after.
Now, I have found my niche. A small library with two shelves of books, upstairs in the main conference building.
All in all, I feel comfortable. I have made new friends with staff and others in the same program. Some have left and some have stayed. I have made plans to start my lucid dreaming practices early. I have a lucid dreaming program the weekend after next and I might as well start. I'll start journaling my dreams, which I've never done, reminding myself I'm awake, and waking myself at odd hours trying to do who knows what. Maybe I'll just end up screwing up my sleeping schedule. I've got nothing else to do, and it's awesome!
I have four days until my next program: a level one training program for Shambhala. I'm happy to have the four days, maybe I can find someone who will want to play chess with me.
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