Back to Reality

I was back in the valley that I called home, but the feelings aren't there for it. I was excited to see old friends and I couldn't keep myself away from the school I feel more at home at than anywhere else. I had four days before I was suppose to pack my bags again and set out for Colorado. The next part of my project is to go to the Shambhala Mountain Center, stay there for a few weeks and take three programs. Four days to prepare didn't feel like enough.

But I have returned to the civilization that is familiar, and it all felt unfamiliar because it was too familiar. I started doing the same things I had done before I left; got in the same car, drove the same roads, talked the same way, dressed in the same clothes, watched the same shows, bought the same food. And it all felt wrong. The day I got back, I told my mother that I was seeking a new roof. Now, I was unsure of where I'd even be sleeping at night. But that didn't scare me, I had faced much worse in the last month. And I was 18 now, an adult. I left a girl and returned as a woman. But this power, or title, bestowed upon me by my society only made me feel more like a child. With this new ability to leave or move around, this new sense of freedom and mobility, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid of what I'd do with the power, not being taught how to handle it with responsibility or maturity. But I taught myself that it was not as important as I was making it out to be. So, I bought a gallon of milk, some meat, cheese, and english muffins, and I went back to an empty house and slept after listening and responding to a growling stomach. Another part of me was growling as well, seeking satisfaction, seeking for nourishment. And that voice will be feed when I have the proper food to prepare.

Fire

Slice me open and you will see
It is not water that runs
Through my veins,
But fire

A fire is raging through my body
A fire fueled by desperation
Determination, exasperation,
Exhaustion

I am exhausted,
Tired from a days labor
But this day goes on and on
Out of my control

The ropes attached to my life
Slip through my fingers
Mercilessly burning
The fragile skin

I have something to give to this world
Something young, youthful, beautiful.
I beg of you, I plead you
Please hear my cry

I kneel on the sharp rocks,
Cutting my knees.
My stance is pathetic,
I couldn’t get lower

I let the blood go
I let the fire burn my skin
I let it trickle across my flesh
And bleed into the ground

This sacrifice, this surrendering
Will this show you I care?
Will this show you that you’re worth it?
You are worth it, your soul priceless

A piece of paper has been passed around
Read it, remember it
If you can’t, don’t worry
I am here for you

I will sit beside your bed
And whisper the words to you.
In the quiet night,
I will sing to you, and lull you to serenity

Stand up and fight, fight for your destiny
And your infinite potential
If we do not fight
Then we are undeserving.

Fight for all that you have,
Could have, and will have in life
We need pain for pleasure
We need chaos for peace

Claw through the pain and chaos
Rip your fingernails off and cut your palms
Let the blood from your hands
Drip down your arms
Let the fire rage across your body

Welcome the release
Your body needs the cleanse
Cleanse your mind
With your body

That what this is all about, can’t you see
This fire will burn its way through your skin
Through your flesh, your veins, your organs
Your bones, your marrow, your soul

This fire will burn your soul to ashes
We need to destroy that beautiful heart
And rise from the ashes to breathe
Cleanse your mind with your body

Let the blood fuel your soul
Let the fire fuel your bonfire
Celebrate your liberation
Celebrate your life

This fire will burn across the lands
Starting with your heart