heartbeat

I hear no heartbeats
Not even my own
No soothing beat
To ease me to sleep

I hear nothing but the
Rumble and jumble of my own mind
Nothing quiet or calming
To create sweet dreams

I’ve tried everything to hear it
The one solidifying fact
That I am a living breathing
Hunk of sentient meat

I’ve sat in the quietest rooms
I’ve lied on silent beds
I’ve waded in the hushed waters
Only to be disappointed; nothing

I hear nothing, feel nothing
I can feel the heartbeat
To reassure myself
By pressing my fingers to my wrist

But I don’t want that
I don’t want reassurances
I need the real thing
I need to hear a heartbeat

My mind is cluttered
Filled to the brim with mindless shit
Clanging’s, banging’s
Bashes and booms

It will not be quiet
And I cannot hear my own heart
I wish to hear another’s
I seek them out

I want them to sing me a lullaby
Without ever moving their lips
I want to be lulled to sleep
And fall into peaceful dreams